[ << ] [ < ] 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 [ > ] [ >> ] (Displaying jokes 101-120 from a total of 15,288 jokes) | Author | Joke | g
Sco | 2010-06-30 16:08:56
you can choose your friends, but \'you cant choose your family\' they say,Bollocks. I bought my wife from a Thai Bride catalogue and made her leave her kids in Bangkok... | Ruben
Scotland | 2010-06-30 12:23:08
It\'s this man\'s 33rd birthday. He gets a package at the Post Office and goes to collect it. At the counter the woman brings his package to him, and the man says, \"It\'s my birthday today.\" \"Oh, happy birthday, how old are you?,\" asks the Post Office worker. \"33,\" says the man. \"Well, have a good day,\" says the worker. \"Thank you,\" replied the man. To get home, the man has to take the bus. At the bus stop an old lady walks up and waits soon after he arrives. The man says to the old lady, \"It\'s my birthday today.\" \"Oh, happy birthday,\" says the old lady. \"I\'m...\" \"No don\'t tell me,\" interjects the old lady, \"I know a unique way of telling how old somebody is.\" \"Oh yeah? What\'s that then,\" asks the man. \"If I can feel your balls for about 5 minutes, I can tell exactly how many years old you are,\" says the old lady. \"I don\'t believe it.\" \"Well let me prove it!\" \"I\'m not going to let you feel my balls!,\" says the man. \"Oh well, I guess you\'ll never know then,\" replies the lady. After a couple of minutes curiosity gets the better of the man and he says, \"Oh, okay then, you can do it.\" After a good feel of the man\'s balls the woman finally takes her hands out of his pants. \"You are 33 years old exactly,\" she exclaims! \"How the fuck did you know that?!,\" exclaims the man, impressed. \"I was behind you in the line at the Post Office,\" said the lady ....
| JACKFROST
United Kingdom | 2010-06-30 11:41:10
The England team visited an orphanage in Cape Town today.
\"It\'s heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope,\"
said Jamal, aged six.
- I hear Oxo are making a new product. The packaging is
white with a red cross and they\'re calling it the laughing stock.
- What\'s the difference between the England team and a tea
bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
- Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the
supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with
her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, \"Can you manage
dear?\" To which the old lady replied: \"No way. You got yourself
into this mess. Don\'t ask me to sort it out!\"
- What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of
the World Cup? A referee.
- Apparently that fan had no trouble slipping into the
England dressing room - Robert Green was guarding the door.
David Blaine was said to be gutted last night that his record of 42 days doing absolutely nothing in a box has been broken by Wayne Rooney...
| gimp
Sco | 2010-06-30 10:33:45
Today I was unable to stand up and read a Eulogy at my wifes Funeral. Stupid Erection... | Rodney
England | 2010-06-30 10:08:01
A new bride went to her doctor for a check up. Lacking knowledge of the male anatomy, she asked the doctor \"What\'s that thing hanging between my husbands legs?\"
The doctor replies \"We call that the penis.\" The new bride then asks \"What\'s that reddish/purple thing on the end of the penis?\"
The doctor replies \"We call that the head of the penis. The bride then asks \"What are those 2 round things about 15 inches from the head of the penis?\"
The doctor replies \"Lady, on him I don\'t know, but on me they\'re the cheeks of my arse!\"
| gimp
Sco | 2010-06-30 02:11:18
My girlfriend loves going out with me. She knows that I cant hit her in Public.... | Glump
Sco | 2010-06-29 19:11:37
A city boy wanted to marry a country girl. She insists that he has to ask her father for her hand in marriage. So off he goes to their farm to ask her father. \"I want to marry your daughter\". \"Well, my boy you will have to prove to me that you are a man worthy of my daughter.\" \"I\'ll do anything for my love\" says the young man.
\"You see that cow out in the pasture? Well go screw it.\" A little puzzled the boy says, \"OK, anything for my love\" On his return of doing his deed, he asks, \"Now can I marry your daughter?\" \"Nope.\" says the father, \"See that goat over yonder? Well, Go screw it.\" Again the boy obliges and returns saying, \"Now can I marry your daughter?\" \"Nope. Not yet -- one more thing. See that pig in the sty? Well go to it.\" Once again he obliges and returns. This time the farmer is amazed at seeing this boy doing these deeds just to marry his daughter.
So the father finally tells the boy, \"Now you can marry my daughter.\" To which the boy replies, \"BOLLOCKS TO YOUR DAUGHTER, HOW MUCH YOU WANT FOR THAT PIG?\"
| Glump
Sco | 2010-06-29 19:07:22
Doctor: \"Your wife either has Alzheimer\'s or AIDS.\" Husband: \"How can we find out which?\" Doctor: \"I need you to run a little experiment this weekend. Take your wife to a park and leave her there. If she finds her way home; don\'t fuck her.\"
| Jonathon
Wales | 2010-06-29 15:48:26
A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day he decided to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.\" Fred\" he replies. \"Fred what?\" the officer asks. \"Just Fred\" the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. \"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?\"
The man replies... \"It\'s a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I\'m just Fred.\" The officer let him go without even a warning. :-)....
| gimp
Sco | 2010-06-29 02:59:55
I had a POP at my wife last night, got her right in the fucking Temple with a can of Coke.... | Ruben
Scotland | 2010-06-28 18:25:52
A young couple were on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she had a confession to make. The reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat chested.
\"If you want to cancel the wedding, then I\'ll understand,\" she said. The guy remarked, \"I don\'t mind that you\'re flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage anyway.\"
Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also had a confession to make. The reason that they have not been too intimate is because he is just like a baby below the waist. The girl remarked, \"I don\'t mind that your\'e like a baby below the
waist, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage anyway.\"
And so, the happy couple went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes. True to her word, she is as flat as a washboard. Then, the guy took
off his clothes. After one glance at his naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.
When she regained consciousness, the guy said, \"I told you before we got married, so why were you so surprised?\"
\"You told me it was just like a baby.\" She said. The guy replied, \"It is! 8 pounds and 21 inches long!\"
| gimp
Sco | 2010-06-28 16:42:43
Dont you hate it when your dad tells you really old shit jokes. I came home the other day and he asked me......Whats Black, White and Red all over? I said a Newspaper? He replied, your Mother, we were still laughing when the Police arrived.... | Jonathon
Wales | 2010-06-28 14:46:07
Charlie marries a virgin. On their wedding night, he\'s on fire, so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately begins groping her. \"Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table.\" So, Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, \"Is this better?\" \"Much better!\" she replies with a smile. \"Okay, then,\" he says, \"now will you please pass the pussy.\"
| gimp
Sco | 2010-06-28 11:01:50
I heard some of my sons friends call my wife a MILF I found out this means, Mothers Id Like to Fuck, So when I heard my teenage daughters friends say your dads FILF, I got a stiffy. turns out they found my porn collection..... | Rodney
England | 2010-06-28 08:18:17
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn\'t help noticing how beautiful John\'s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mother\'s thoughts, John volunteered, \"I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates.\" About a week later, Julie came to John and said, \"Ever since your mother came to dinner, I\'ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. \"You don\'t suppose she took it, do you?\" Julie said, \"Well, I doubt it, but I\'ll write her a letter just to be sure.\" So he sat down and wrote: \"Dear Mother, I\'m not saying you \'did\' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I\'m not saying you \'did not\' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.\" Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: \"Dear Son, I\'m not saying that you \'do\' sleep with Julie, and I\'m not saying that you \'do not\' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mum\"
| gimp
Sco | 2010-06-28 03:38:57
I used to hate P.E. at school. I had a pretty big cock and was embarrassed to take the group shower afterwards. all the other girls just pointed and laughed.... | Glump
Sco | 2010-06-27 19:51:34
A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much to large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she\'s embarrassed and doesn\'t want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.
She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, \"I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!\" \"Don\'t worry,\" he says, \"I didn\'t tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself.\" \"Who is the third rose from?\" she asked. \"Oh,\" says the doctor, \"that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burns unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!\"
| Johnathon
Wales | 2010-06-27 18:47:38
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman... She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defence of herself. \"Your Honour,\" she began coolly, \"I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.\" | gimp
Sco | 2010-06-27 15:03:28
women think they\'re so much better at multi-tasking than men. I bet they can\'t Piss while using a fucking cash machine.... | Rodney
England | 2010-06-27 14:23:55
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says \"Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I\'m granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be.\"
The first nun says, \"I want to be Sophia Loren;\" and *poof* she\'s gone.
The second says, \"I want to be Madonna;\" and *poof* she\'s gone.
The third says, \"I want to be Sara Pipalini.\"
St. Peter looks perplexed. \"Who?\" he says.
\"Sara Pipalini;\" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says; \"I\'m sorry, but that name just doesn\'t ring a bell.\"
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says \"No sister, the paper says it was the \'Sahara Pipeline\' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.\"
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