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Q.what do you call a woman with 2 cunts.
a. VICTORIA BECKHAM
Q.what do you woman with 2 cunts.
a. VICTORIA BECKHAM
A postman has worked in his local village since he started work. The years pass by, and it comes to his retirement day. SO the villagers have had a meeting, but cant decide on what to give him for a retirment presant. The leader says ' Fuck it, all give him what you want.' So on his retirement day he knocks on the first door and shiuts 'MAIL' a old lady appears and gives him a ?5 and says ' Get urself a drink on me' the poastman thanks her and get on his way. He knocks on the second door 'MAIL' this time a man answers and gives him a ?10 ' get urself a drink on us, thanks for the years of service' the postman thanks him and gets on his way. He goes to the next house and knocks on the door shouts 'MAIL' a young, pretty lady answers the door dressed just in her nighty, a very skimpy one.She says ' come in, i have something for you' so the posty goes in ' get urself upstares in the front room, get undressed ill be up in a minute.' the posty goes upstares undresses and lays on the bed. she came upstares and shagged his face off, really went for it. when they had finished she told him to go downstares and she was gonan cook him breakfast. so he goes down, she appears, starts the breakfast and goes into her purse and gets a ?1 out. he says ' Whats this for?' she says 'ohh it was my husbands idea, he sed 'fuck him, give him a ?1 the breakfast was my idea.
budd budd your just a fucking cock your not funny you anti man united scum fucker
|is this funny ?|
englishman irishman and a scotsman in a pub :
englsihman says...im worried bout my daughter i found sum cigs under her pillow i neva knew she smoked..
scotsman says... im worried bout my daughter too i found sum whisky under her pillow i neva knew she drunk..
irishman says... thats nothing i found a condom under my daughters bed, i neva knew she had a dick !!!!
lil boy and granma walkin in park when they see 2 ppl havin sex on the bench..lil boy say " wut are they doin granma" ?...the granma stutters and quickly says "ermm there jus makin cakes"...so the lil boy goes home and then back to his granmas the nest day n says " granma granma, i saw mummy n daddy makin cakes last nite on there bed" the granma says "how can u be sure" ? lil boy "cos i licked the icing off when they'd finished !!!!!
hahaha....are these funny or jus old ??? plz email me n let me know.....CHUBBY U FAT BASTARD, FUCK OFF !!!!!
LONG LIVE CHUBS !!!!!!!!
Why is Tony Hardy a stud?
Because he always gets a girl in the sack.
|JON NEWBY||2003-01-03 08:37:57|
Why Does Father Christmas have three gardens?
So he ca HOE HOE HOE !!!!
|leeds fan||2003-01-03 03:20:47|
news flash: Alex Ferguson has just died.
if only carlsberg wrote the news, it would probably write the best news in the world.
Two dwarves win 8 million on the lottery. The first one says "What are we going to do with all this money?"
The second dwarf says "Why don`t we go down to the best brothel in town, get the two best looking birds down there and fuck their arses off all night?"
"Sounds great, let`s do it." said the first dwarf.
Later on , when they are both in their separate rooms. The first dwarf is on the bed with the best looking bird he`s ever seen. She`s all over him, but no matter what she does he cant get a hard on. while he`s laying there all he can hear from the next room is" 1,2,3 urrgh - 1,2,3 urrgh"
The next morning while they were having breakfast the second dwarf said" How`d your night go then?" "Shit." said the first dwarf " The best looking bird money can buy and i cant even manage a stiff cock." "But you, you bastard, you kept me up all night, 1,2,3 urrgh , 1,2,3 urrgh" said the first dwarf. "You had a fucking great night."
"What do you mean?" said the second dwarf, "I never even got on to the bed."
|The Captain of the Good Ship Venus|
Never fucking mind
I have written a sea shanty for everyone's enjoyment:
It was on the good ship Venus,
By Christ you should have seen us,
The figurehead, was a girl in bed,
Sucking on a dead man's penis!
The Captain's wife was Mable,
Fucking hell, that woman was able!
She'd give the crew,
Their daily do
Under the kitchen table!
The Captain's Dog was Rover,
He'd had his knob in every bitch from John O'Groats to Dover.
The Cabin Boy's name was Roger,
Off every sailor he got a podger,
At first he wasn't really bent,
But that's the way he went,
And now he's Dale Winton's fucking lodger.
One day as we were sailing along,
We found out the course we had taken was wrong,
When the ship ran aground it was a farce,
Especially when a carrot was lodged up the Captain?s arse,
Put there by there by the First Mate Mr Wong.
The crew held hands as the ship slowly sank,
And after a while, make the best of a wank,
The Captain got away,
Later changed his name to George Millday,
And put all his cash in a bank.
That was the Good ship Venus,
By Christ you should have seen us,
And the Captain salvaged that Figurehead,
Of the girl in bed,
Sucking on a dead man?s penis.
AND THE SILLY OLD BASTARD FLOGGED IT, AND MADE A BLOODY FORTUNE TOO!
A little girl went up to her daddy and said, "Little Johnny showed me his willy today. It was just like a peanut."
"Was it as small?" asked her daddy.
"No," replied the girl, "it was salty."
A man came home one night, "I bought these olympic condoms," he told his wife, "I think I'll wear a gold one tonight."
His wife laughed at him, "Don't wear a gold one, wear a silver one, and come second for once!"
A woman took her young son to the Zoo one day, and they arrived at the Elephant enclosure. "What's that hanging out of the Elephant mummy?" asked the little boy.
"That's the Elephant's trunk." said his mummy.
"No, the other thing!" said the little boy.
"That's the Elephant's tail." she replied.
"No, the OTHER thing!" he said.
His mummy twigged immediately, there could only be one other thing. "That's...that's nothing." she said and they walked away.
A few days later, the little boy's daddy took him back to the zoo, "Daddy, what's that hanging out of the elephant?"
"That's the Elephant's trunk." he replied.
"No, the other thing!" said the little boy.
"That's the Elephant's tail." he replied.
"No, the OTHER thing!" the little boy said.
His dad looked at him, "That's the Elephant's penis son."
"Mummy said it was nothing." the little boy replied.
The daddy smirked and gave a proud smile, "By Christ I spoil that woman sometimes!"
Whats the difference between Man Utd fans and a flid? Fuck all.
How many man utd fans does it take to change a light bulb? None they're all too fucking thick.
How do you circumcise Brooklyn Beckham? Kick his mum in the jaw.
Alex Ferguson was up before God and God gave Fergie a pair of wings. Fergie asks 'Oh, am I gonna be an angel?' 'No!' says God 'You're gonna be a fuckin tampon you red cunt!!!'
Two pregnant women sat in the waiting room of the doctor's, waiting for a scan are knitting clothes for their kids.
One says "Hope mine's gonna be a boy, 'cos I've only got blue wool"
Other one says "I hope mine's a flid, cos I've just fucked the arms up on this sweater"
|not a brain surgeon|
Word of advcice to all. Before submitting a joke,take a look back over the last few pages, this way you wont look a complete twat thinking your funny when your only repeating what many people have put before you.
whats 60ft long and smells of piss?
The Conga in the old folks home.
A woman walks into a butchers one day and says "wheres that young lad that normally works here?"
"Oh," the butcher says "i had to fire him."
"Why?" replies the woman.
"'cause i kept on catching him with his cock in the meat slicer."
"Thats disgusting," the woman replys.
"What have you done with the meat slicer?"
"She was fired too."
What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
A woman walks into a shop that sells VERY EXPENSIVE PERSIAN RUGS.
She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to
inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.
"Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"
He answers, "Lady, if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit yourself when you hear what the price is."
Posh Spice decided to help benefit the community and began a job as a primary school counsellor.
One day during break time, she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other end. Knowing a little bit about football through her marriage, she decided to have a conversation with him so she approached and asked if he was alright, in the knowledge that if he wasn't, she could talk to him about the game. The boy said he was OK.
A little while later, however, she noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself, watching the game. Approaching again, Victoria said,
"Would you like me to be your friend?" The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, she then asked, "Why are you standing here alone?"
"Because", the little boy said, with great exasperation, "I'm the fucking goalkeeper - now piss off!"
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden. Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needin' After casting about for a suitable pearl, He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender, Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire, And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud, Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you, And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder, And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing. Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole fuckin thing.