[ << ] [ < ] 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 [ > ] [ >> ] (Displaying jokes 121-140 from a total of 15,288 jokes) | Author | Joke | gimp
Sco | 2010-06-27 14:07:42
My son came out of the closet today, which will Subsequently mean he\'ll be going into the fucking Basement... | steve
u.k | 2010-06-27 12:06:53
just met my new neighbour, a chinese man with one leg, he called \"tie one shoe\" | gimp
Sco | 2010-06-27 09:43:25
I wish I had another arm sometimes.It\'s Impossible to smoke a fag, send a text message and steer around cyclist\'s at the same fucking time.... | Jonathon
Wales | 2010-06-24 12:29:33
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, \"Oh my god, help me, there\'s a bee in my vagina!\".
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, \"Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit\".
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife\'s vagina. The doctor said \"OK, what I\'m gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife\'s vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife\'s vagina.\"
The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said \"Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it.\"
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady\'s vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, \"I don\'t think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper\".
So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, \"Oh doctor, doctor!\" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.
He then put his hands on the young lady\'s breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. \"Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you\'re doing?!\" he blasted.
The doctor, still concentrating, replied: \"Change of plan, I\'m gonna drown the bastard!!\"
| Glump
Sco | 2010-06-22 19:21:16
A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got pissed and the bride\'s and groom\'s families had a storming rage and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.
The police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting, \"Silence in Court.\"
The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, \"Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.\"
The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.
The judge says, \"OK.\"
\"Well,\" said Paddy, \"After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song. When all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates.\"
The Judge instantly responded, \"Wow! That must have hurt!\"
Paddy replies, \"HURT! He broke three of my fingers!\"
| laura
united kingdom | 2010-06-22 16:35:43
Just seen a Paki with three Lions on his shirt,
I do love Longleat! | Glump
Sco | 2010-06-22 12:13:47
It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, \"Tell me about the day you died.\"
The man said, \"Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn\'t find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died.\"
St. Peter couldn\'t deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. \"Well, sir, it was awful,\" said the second man. \"I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!\"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
\"Tell me about the day you died?\", he said to the third man in line.
\"OK, picture this, I\'m naked, hiding inside a refrigerator....\"
| Glump
Sco | 2010-06-22 12:11:13
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, \"You know, I don\'t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we\'ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!\"
His buddy looks at him and says, \"Well, you\'re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife\'s arse and say, \'How about a blowjob?\' ... and she\'s always sound asleep.\"
| Marshal Kennedy-Craig
Scotland | 2010-06-22 06:53:03
Q; \"What do you call a Jelly Baby with a stone in it ?\"
A; A \'wee hardman\' of course !\" (Ok, it\'s a Glasgow joke !) | Rodney
England | 2010-06-20 20:25:07
A middle-aged man returns home from a business trip a day early, concerned that his wife may be having an affair. He\'s riding in a taxi at about 2:00 in the morning back towards his house, when he explains his situation to the taxi driver.
It\'s after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
He explains to the cabbie that he suspects his wife is sleeping around on him, and offers the him £50 if he would be a witness to the affair, if he could catch her in bed with him. By the time they reach his house, the cabbie agrees.
They park a few doors down and, quietly, sneak into the front door and up the stairs. Then, with a burst of speed, the husband flicks on the bedroom lights and rips the blanket off the bed - and there his wife lays in bed with another man!
Out of his coat pocket, the visibly distraught husband pulls out a gun and puts it to the naked man\'s head. Just then, his wife yells \"Don\'t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited all that money!...\"
HE paid for the Mercedes I gave you.
HE paid for our new log cabin in the mountains.
HE paid for your Manchester City season ticket.
HE paid for our our lake district house and boat.
HE paid for your country club membership, and and HE even pays the monthly dues!\'
Shaking his head, unsure of whether to pull the trigger, he looks over at the taxi driver and asks \"What should I do?\"
The taxi driver replies, \"I\'d cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.\"
| the joolster
england | 2010-06-20 15:14:19
i`m not saying me and my babe are rubbish at sex but there was a peeping tom booing outside my house last night!!!!! | Johnathon
Wales | 2010-06-20 13:47:07
A man went parachuting for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seemed like days, he was ready to go. Excited, he jumped out of the aeroplane. About five seconds later, he pulled the ripcord. Nothing happened. He tried again. Still nothing. He started to panic, but remembered his back-up chute. He pulled that cord. Nothing happened. He frantically began yanking both cords to no avail.
Suddenly he looked down, and he couldn\'t believe his eyes. Another man was in the air with him, but this guy was going up! Just as the other guy passed by, the parachutist yelled, \"Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?\"
The other guy yelled back, \"No! Do you know anything about gas ovens?\"
| david walker
england | 2010-06-20 11:00:18
Oxo have launched a new cube,it\'s white with a red cross running through it.It\'s called the laughing stock !!!! | Leon
Uk | 2010-06-18 19:04:17
I can\'t believe we only managed a draw against a shit team we should easily have beaten
I\'m ashamed to call myself Algerian | Dr Fettish
British | 2010-06-17 13:16:33
It\'s only the 5th day of the world cup and the sounds of the flies around them n1ggers is getting right on my nerves.... | david walker
england | 2010-06-17 13:07:56
Give £2 a month to a hungrey African & what do they do? Buy a fucking trumpet !!!! | glen
england | 2010-06-16 15:34:45
What\'s the difference between Robert Green and
Justin Bieber? Robert Green knows how to drop his balls! | gimp
Sco | 2010-06-15 14:54:12
I caught my cock in my zipper today, or should I say that\'s what I\'ll be telling the wife when she see\'s the teeth mark\'s on it... | gimp
Sco | 2010-06-15 14:50:32
my wife ate some peanuts last night and suffered a violent reaction, they were my fucking peanuts, so I kicked the shit out the fat cunt.... | Lee safc
Uk | 2010-06-03 11:56:42
Heskeys has been replaced in the England squad by a cumbrian taxi driver, apparently hes had more shots on target in 1 day than heskeys had in a season! |
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