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AuthorJoke
ADE

2001-07-13 17:19:10

A HUSBAND TURNS ROUND TO HIS WIFE AND SAYS DO WE LIVE IN A LIGHT HOUSE ? NO WHY ? REPLYS HIS WIFE. BECAUSE EVERYTIME THE PHONE RINGS I PICK IT UP AND SOME BLOKES KEEPS ASKING IF THE COAST IS CLEAR.
Top joke

England
2001-07-12 23:46:53

The father was in the kitchen playing marbles when one of the bastards got stuck up his nose. Wondering what to do the wife then said go and ask george to get it out he's got skinny fingers. By the way george is the daughters boyfriend. So the father openes the front room door and shouts 'george'. george then jumps up from the sofa and shouts what. by the way he jumped up from on top of the daughter.the father then says erm i heard u got skinny fingers, u couldnt give us a hand gettin this basterd marble out of my nose could ya. yey no probs. well when he gets it out the wife says to george uv got a good pair of hand what do you want to be when your older. the father then interrups and says 'BY THE SMELL OF HIS FINGERS ARE FUCKIN SON IN LAW'
mike strappon

U.K
2001-07-12 11:47:21

LOUISE WOODWARD IS NOW WORKING AT BURGER KING. EVERY BABY GETS A FREE SHAKE!!!!!!
BEAST

ENGLAND
2001-07-12 09:46:37

VIAGRA IS NOW ONLY BEING SOLD OVER THE COUNTER AT CHEMISTS.
CUSTOMERS MUST USE THE PROPER CHEMICAL NAME,

MYCOXAFLOPPIN.
Mike Strappon

U.K
2001-07-12 09:33:38

There were three dogs at the vet and they were in
the lobby chatting (In dog language, of course)
Anyways, the first dog looked over at the second
and said "What are you here for?" " I pee on
everything, I pee on the floor, on the couch, on
the bed, I pee! "What are they going to do?" says
dog one to dog two "Put me on Prozac to try to
calm me down. "Oh, said dog two." "What are you
here for?" says dog two to dog one. " I poop on
everything, I poop on the floor, on the couch, on
the bed, I am a pooper! "What are they going to
do? says dog two to dog one, "Put me on Prozac to
try to calm me down. "Oh, said dog one. Dog three
was sitting at the end, smiling and looked happy
as ever. Dogs one and two looked down and
together said "What are you here for?" Oh, me, I
am a huncher, I hunch the couch, hunch the
pillows, my owner was bent over on the bathroom
floor one day and I hunched her, I am a
huncher! "Let me guess" said the dogs, "Prozac to
calm you down!" "NO" said dog three, "I am
getting my nails clipped!"
Mike strappon

U.K
2001-07-12 09:32:02

There were three dogs at the vet and they were in
the lobby chatting (In dog language, of course)
Anyways, the first dog looked over at the second
and said "What are you here for?" " I pee on
everything, I pee on the floor, on the couch, on
the bed, I pee! "What are they going to do?" says
dog one to dog two "Put me on Prozac to try to
calm me down. "Oh, said dog two." "What are you
here for?" says dog two to dog one. " I poop on
everything, I poop on the floor, on the couch, on
the bed, I am a pooper! "What are they going to
do? says dog two to dog one, "Put me on Prozac to
try to calm me down. "Oh, said dog one. Dog three
was sitting at the end, smiling and looked happy
as ever. Dogs one and two looked down and
together said "What are you here for?" Oh, me, I
am a huncher, I hunch the couch, hunch the
pillows, my owner was bent over on the bathroom
floor one day and I hunched her, I am a
huncher! "Let me guess" said the dogs, "Prozac to
calm you down!" "NO" said dog three, "I am
getting my nails clipped!"
Mike Strappon

England
2001-07-12 09:25:25

What do you call a guy with a truck load of sheep driving to Wales?

- A PIMP

------------

A Paki and a Black man jump out of a plane, which one hits the ground first?

- The Black Man cos the Paki is a shade lighter.
4GOT

INDIA
2001-07-12 08:30:47

WHAT DO U CALL A INDIAN SHEEP SHAGGER???????????????? RAM A LAMB HA HA HA HA HA
4GOT

ENGLAND
2001-07-12 08:23:58

WHAT DO U CALL A CHINKY PEDOPHILE???????????? FUCKUMYOUNG HA HA HA HA
Young Smudger

Ireland
2001-07-11 23:38:22

Three guys are in a bar. They are only allowed out one night a week and that is Fridays until 10.30PM. They are chatting away when they hear last orders and they all say FUCK! We are all in the shit now what are we goin to do? One guy says I've got it! We will do whatever the wife tells us to do! We'll meet next Friday and discuss it. So they meet next week and the first guy says thanks a fuckin lot! I walked in and the wife had been shopping and bought a glass coffee table. Well I put my foot straight through it! She heard this and said " go on wreck the house " so I did! Smashed all the cupboards axed the staircase and absolutely fucked the joint! She is taking me to court and divorce is on the cards! The second guy said " is that all! " I walked in and my wife must have shopped with yours! I spotted the new coffee table and missed it! As I climbed the stairs I stood on the cat! She shouted go on kill the cat so I did! I smashed it against the walls threw it out the window and ran it over in the car! The RSPCA are sending me to jail and I'm also getting a divorce! They both turned to the third guy and said " it was your fuckin idea so what happened to you? ". He replied that all of the wives must have been shopping as he spotted the coffee table in the light from the kitchen and avoided it! He then climbed the stairs and spotted the Cat which he duly stepped over. He then got undressed and into bed and decided that he needed to do something about his hard-on. He slipped his hand down between the wife's legs and she said " you can cut that out! ", He opened his hand to his friends and said " have you ever seen one of these up close? "
Adam mchale

2001-07-11 20:51:20

2 guys are in the middle of the sea when a genie appears and tells them they have a wish between them the first guy sez'I wish the sea was beer' the second guy sez 'stupid we'll have to piss in the boat now'
no 1 pornstar

2001-07-11 19:56:24

what do you call a packi with a mouth full of sweets???
AN EASTER EGG
no 1 pornstar

england
2001-07-11 19:52:52

whats a positive orgasm? "oh yes,oh yes"
whats a negative orgasm? "no,no,oh no"
whats a holy orgasm? "oh god yes,oh jesus i`m coming"
whats a fake orgasm? "oh chubby,oh chubby"!!!!
chris carroll

england
2001-07-11 18:55:47

what do you call a pakai with pink hair
ghandi floss
potshot

england
2001-07-10 19:53:35

3 men are taken to be killed by indians but the chief gives them 3 wishes the first one wants a bottle of wiskey when he drinks it they kill him second one wants a ciger when he smokes it they kill him the 3rd one wants a pisce of bread and butter he gets his cock out and starts wanking they just about to kill him the chief says stop this man comes in peace
Zap

ENGLAND ENGLAND ENGLAND!!!!!!!!!!!
2001-07-10 14:11:13


So Aby Cohen the tailor is woken up at three in the morning by the telephone.None too pleased he picks it up.
He says'Ello,who is this'
A voice replies'is that Mr Cohen the tailor'
'Yes it is now who the fuck are you'
'This is Isaac stein Mr Cohen,I don't know if you remember me but I'm one of your customers'
'Yes yes I remember you know what the fuck are you ringing me for at three in the morning'
'Well I just wanted to tell you that i'm fucking the arse of your daughter Rachael at this very moment'
'What? your ringing me at three in the morning to tell me that are you fucking crazy'
'Well it wasn't just that Mr Cohen I wanted to thank you for finally making something that fuckin' fit me.'
Mickster

Sheffield
2001-07-09 20:58:25

I wuz sat in the waiting room at me local doctors the other day, when all of a sudden the doctor rushed out and started shouting

"TETANUS, MEASLES, TYPHOID"

Puzzled as a cunt i asked the nurse wot just happened, she replied

"Thats the new doctor, he likes to call the shots"

Well Laugh then ya bastards!!
Mickster

Sheffield
2001-07-09 20:54:43


John Prescott:
"Me wife was driving me home last night, when us car broke down!"

Tony Blair sez:
"Puncture"

Tony Prescott:
"Yeah she fuckin deserved it!!"
John

UK
2001-07-08 22:19:43

A drunk Major and General where in the pub one night going over old times. The General spoke-up....
I remember when me and Spotty Wilson where in the jungle one evening and I sent Spotty out to check for tigers. He was looking in the bushes not too far away when he came across a bloody big tiger but luckily it was facing the other way but Spotty proceeded to lift the tigers tail and shove his gun barrel right up the tigers arse......The tiger turned around and lept at us......"WHOOOOAAAH SHIT MYSELF" the General shouted...The Major replied "Well,If a tiger had lept at me I'd have shit myself aswell." The General replied "NO-NO Not then......THEN when I went WHOOOOAAAH.
hehehehehe fuck off

beiroot (manchester)
2001-07-08 22:15:40

all week my wife kept coming home and catching me in bed with different women so she told me i had to cut down. so i said ok ........................................ now i`m fucking midgets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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