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AuthorJoke
badger

Essex
2001-07-30 14:08:46

excuse the spelling

this geezer goes to a counseillor for advice on his wifes strange bedroom habbits. the man says: my wife is fucked up in the head, she is so obsessed with motor racing she treats me like a formula one car. explain more says the eager counceilor. Well every night in bed she grabs my balls and starts reving them up, then she gets hold of my tackle and starts twisting it and putting it in gear. Well says the counceillor, just play her at her own game and do it back next time. So the next night in bed she grabs his balls starts reving em up, then starts slotting the penis into gear, when the bloke grabs her twists her round and shoves his cock right up her jacksy. OOOOOHHHHHH five gallons please, screams his wife!
Roger Mellie

England
2001-07-30 13:31:13

2 Fish in a Tank
1 says to the other
"Have you any Idea how to fuckin drive this thing?"

graham taylor

uk
2001-07-29 20:40:23

homosexual walks into a butchers and says hello
i'll have that piece of salami please.
butcher starts to slice his order

homsexual replies what do u think my arse is a money box
Jake Potton

England, Hertfordshire
2001-07-29 09:42:59

these are quite crap !!

paddy an jimmy were throwin stones at the floor.... Paddy missed. !!

Paddy & Jimmy were sitting on the floor ..Paddy fell off !

I GOT A NEW PAIR OF JEANS TODAY !! I WENT OUT WEN I REALISED THE POCKET WAS WHERE THE FLIES WERE AND THE FLIES WERE WHERE THE POCKET WAS !! SUDDENLY I WAS ARRESTED FOR TRYING TO FIND SOME CHANGE !!!!!!

there ya go !!
John and Mark

Scotland/Glasgow ya bas
2001-07-27 14:32:41

chubby is a fat bastard
Kerry Jackson

England
2001-07-26 23:20:17

whats the hardist part of a cabbage to boil

the wheelchiar
Chris

England
2001-07-26 14:20:23

Q: Why do they call a pap smear, a pap smear?
A: If they called it a cunt scrape no woman would have one.

My girlfriend asked me to give her 21 inches and make her bleed........ So I fucked her 3 times and punched her in the face

Q: Why didn't the my cat eat it's supper?
A: Because i nailed its head to the floor

A wee boy is sitting at the edge of a cliff, eyes fixated at a burning car down on the rocks. A priest comes up to him."Little boy" he said "What's the matter? Where's your mummy?" The boy pointed solemnly to the burning wreck "Oh no" said the priest "What about your daddy?" Once more the boy pointed to the car "Oh that's terrible" said the preist "What about your brothers and sisters?" Again, the boy pointed at the burning car Oh that's awful, little boy said the priest as he unzipped his fly "It's just not your day is it!"

Q: What's blue and fucks grannies ?
A: Hypothermia
Chris

England
2001-07-26 14:16:52

Q: What's blue and doesn't fit?
A: A dead epileptic.
Chris

England
2001-07-26 14:15:45

Q: What is the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
A: You cant gargle sand!

A woman goes to the doctor with a bloated stomach and pains. The doctor doesn't know what's wrong so he takes a blood sample and tells her to come back in a week. The woman comes back a week later and says "Oh doctor, I'm in such pain, what's wrong with me?" to which the doctor replies "Well, let's put it this way, I hope you like changing nappies". So the woman says "Oh, I am going to have a baby?" and the doctor says "No, you've got bowel cancer"

Q : What do you do after raping a deaf, dumb and blind girl?
A : Break her fingers so she can't tell her mum
Chris

England
2001-07-26 14:14:47

It's the day after Christmas and two kids are comparing notes about what they'd got. The first kid says "What'd you get?" The second kid replies, "Man, I made out! I got Power Rangers stuff, Nintendo, a new bike, a Walkie-Talkie set, a stereo, and a whole lot more! What'd you get?" "Ah, I just got a baseball glove and bat," says the first kid. "Wow, that's pretty rough," says the second kid. The first kid says, "Yeah, well I'm not dying of cancer."

Q: What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for Christmas?
A: Cancer!
Chris

England
2001-07-26 14:13:44

Q: What's black and blue and hates sex?
A: A rape victim.
Chris

England
2001-07-26 14:12:55

A woman's just had a baby. The doctor says I've got some good news and some bad news. "Whats the bad news?" the woman asks. "Your baby is ginger" says the doc "Whats the good news?" The doctor replies, "Its dead."
Chris

England
2001-07-26 14:12:19

Q: What's Blue and sits in the corner?
A: A baby in a plastic bag.

Q: What's Red and sits in a corner?
A: A baby with a razor blade.

Q: Whats the best thing about an eithiopian blow job?
A: You now she'll swallow.
Chris

England
2001-07-26 14:11:15

Q: Whats green and eats nuts?
A: Syphallis!
Chris

England
2001-07-26 14:10:32

A spastic kid is visiting Disneyland and having a wonderful time. He makes his way over to an ice-cream stall and says 'Hello, can I have an ice-cream please' The bloke looks down and smiles 'Of course you can sonny, what flavour would you like?' 'Oh it doesn't matter' Says the kid. 'I'm going to drop it anyway'
Chris

England
2001-07-26 13:54:41

Two paedophiles were walking down the street one day when they came across a pair of small lacey knickers on the ground. The first one picks them up, smells them and goes, "Aahhh... A seven-year-old girl." The other grabs them from him and also takes a smell and goes, "No, no ... Definitely an eight-year-old girl!" The two of them are them smelling them in turns and arguing. "An eight-year- old!", "No, a seven-year-old!", "Definitely an eight-year-old!" .... and so on. The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can't help but ask them what the commotion is all about. The first paedophile tells the priest, and asks him if he could sort out the argument, so the priest takes the knickers, has a good long sniff, and after pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men and says: "Definitely an eight-year-old girl! ......... but not from my parish!"
funny fucker eh!

england
2001-07-25 18:14:37

I see Man Utd are determined to have the best pitch in the country,
They have just bought another ?25 million pounds of shite to put on it.
Danny Bartlett

West London, England
2001-07-25 18:14:24

SONG ABOUT SOL CAMPBELL

Sung to the tune of 'I will survive'

At first I was a yid. I was idolised.
If I'd walked into the red sea it would move aside.
But then I spent so many nights thinking how to do you wrong
And though It took two years of planning I've finally strung you all
along.

And now I'm back.
Just up the road.
It doesn't matter where you're from to see that I'm a toad.
I've stabbed you in the back and lied right to your face
If I knew my mum I'd shag her and I'm feeling fucking ace.

And so I'm off.
Please don't be sad.
Ten years to some means nothing - so to a million it can't be bad.
The way I see - you owe me so bow down and worship me
And now my kit looks like a tampon it should be easier to seeeee...

That I'm a cunt. A fuckking cunt.
I wonder who-of my teammates I will be the first to shag
Whether youthfull looking Freddie, or the Gaulic rear of Pires,
Of course there too is Arsene I hope he likes my bondage dress.

Right, "Up the arse!"
They're all at it.
It's just a shame that last year we sold Overmars and Petit,
I've heard many things about them -That Marc squeals just like a girl
But I'll have to take them backwards cos their faces make me want to hurl.

I've joined a zoo. I'll fit right in.
Donkey's chimps and monkeys are where I've been trying to get in.
I'd just love to pork "new chimp boy", and the ape thing called Keown
I just Love Kanu's weird boat race - I want them for my own.

But I'm in shit.
The fans just are not great.
This move to the library might have just seal-ed my fate.
The yid firm is all angry and Denton's
dangling off a bridge
I'll need round the clock protection even when I look into my fridge

And I - I won't survive.
Violence, hate and fire will send me screaming down my drive,
I'll be begging for forgiveness,
I'll be down upon one knee,
No matter where I go they'll hate me - I'll have to play for Germany.

And so I'll go.
Walk out the door.
I'll just tell them... that they should have won the war.
I'll just trample on Saint George and say "it really wasn't me
By the way what are you paying? And what is my
sign-on feeeeeeeeee?"
I LUV DRUGS

COCAINE
2001-07-25 16:23:21

who is the fattest person in the world? chubbs!!!
Isaac Hunt

Australia
2001-07-25 09:08:15

If gay blokes come out of the closet , do lesbians come out of the liquor cabinet ?
What blinks one eye , then the other , then both together ?
Christopher Reeve doing the Macarena
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