[ << ] [ < ] 761 762 763 764 765 [ > ] [ >> ] (Displaying jokes 15241-15260 from a total of 15,288 jokes) | Author | Joke | CHRIS RUOCCO
england,london | 2000-05-23 20:54:15
What have a monkey and a chainsaw have in common?
They both fuck up trees.
A spanish firemans wife, gives birth to twins.What does she
call them?
HOSE A and HOSE B.
A man goes into a cafe and say's to the man behind the
counter.Can you do a breakfast my way.HE said of corse whats
your way? well he said" can i have the egg hard its got to
be so hard you can bounce it like a ball.The backon has got
to be crisp,so when you put your fork in it it springs all
around the room. The chips have got to be soggy but rearly
soggy.And the beans have got to be hot at the top,warm in
middle,and burnt underneath.
The man behind the counter say's i haven't got time to do
that.
And the man say's you FUCKING found time yesterday.
| Penny Winter
England | 2000-05-22 21:02:03
Do you know why David Beckham had his hair cut?
'Cos Posh was offered a million pounds to shave her twat!!
What do you call an adolescent rabbit?
A pubic hair.
| Alan Hutchison
UK | 2000-05-22 01:24:59
WHAT DO YOU CALL A DOG WITH NO BACK LEGS AND STEEL BALLS? SPARKY
| jason kenny
england | 2000-05-21 22:37:42
I said to a girl you`ve got the same promblem with your
mouth as you have with your leg`s
(you can`t keep them shut>>>)
I said to a girl you are very good at giving adice
you are very good at giving it but not at taking it.
well that`s just like me I said i could never be gay
as i can give it but not take it>>>>>>>>>
| chris
| 2000-05-21 22:31:08
what has a box of Roses and David Beckham got in common?
They Both cum in posh boxes!!!
What is the difference between Posh Spice and David Beckham?
Posh can take a tackle from behind
| Pat Carey
Ireland | 2000-05-20 21:54:38
what did the lepar say to the prostitude
keep the tip
| PAUL HORNBY
ENGLAND.(BIRKENHEAD) | 2000-05-20 01:43:05
WHY CANT BARBIE GET PREGANT?
BECAUSE KEN COMES IN A DIFFERENT BOX!
| Jonathan P Boldy
HALIFAX, WEST YORKSHIRE, UK | 2000-05-19 21:33:18
They Was A Man From Nantuckit,
Who's Cock Was So Big He Could Suck It,
He Said With A Grin As He Wiped Of His Chin,
"If My Ear Was A Cunt I Would Fuck It!!!!"
| Steve Thomas
England | 2000-05-19 17:32:26
This Scouser has had twenty pints of lager and is sat on a barstool with his head resting on the bar, half asleep. A chap who 'rides the other bus' walks into the pub and orders a Cherry B for himself and asks the barman what the 'nice, rough looking man' on the barstool has been drinking.
"He's had about twenty pints of lager," replies the barman. "I don't think he knows where he is or what day it is."
"Is that so," the chap says. "Pull him a pint and I'll have a chat with him." He pulls up a stool and offers the pint to the Scouser.
"Cheers, mate," the Scouser says, downing it in one.
The chap winks at him. "Can I offer you anything else?"
The scouser turns slowly to him. "What?"
"Can I offer you a, er ... a blow job?" the chap whispers.
At this, the Scouser leaps up and proceeds to kick and punch the poor chap to within an inch of his life before throwing him through the window.
"Jesus!" the barman shouts to the Scouser. "What the hell did he say to make you that angry?"
"I dunno," the Scouser replied. "It sounded like he was offering me a job ..."
| Philip Hall
Australia | 2000-05-19 17:28:42
Q: whats the differance between working in the same job for 10 years and being married for 10 years?
A: after working for ten years the job still sux
| Philip Hall
Australia | 2000-05-19 17:17:16
Q: How can you tell the differance between a happy sperm and an unhappy sperm?
A: the happy sperm is the one with egg on his face
| Goaty
Anglesey,Wales | 2000-05-17 13:38:42
Why cant blondes count to 70?
69 is a bit of a mouthful.
Why did the gay get sacked from the spurm bank?
He got caught drinking on the job.
What do u call an epileptic person in the bushes?
Russell.
What does a bungie jumper and two gays have in common?
If the rubber splits their in the shit.
How do u change a blondes mind?
Blow in her ear.
Whats the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
The legs on an ironing board are harder to open.
Whats the difference between pink and purple?
Your grip.
What do you call a black man without any bones?
A binbag
Whats the difference between a black man and a white man?
20 minutes in the microwave.
Why do blondes ware green lipstick?
Red means stop.
Whats a blondes idea of safe sex?
Locking the car door.
How does a blonde put the lights on after sex?
She opens the car door.
Hope you lot enjoyed them!!!!!!!!!
| CYBERPRINCE_UK
UK | 2000-05-16 18:50:42
TWO PUFFS WERE ON A TRAIN AND THEY WERE BOTH GAGGING FOR A SHAG, SO PUFF 1 SAYS LETS GO FOR A SHAG IN THE LOO! PUFF 2 SAYS BUT WE HAVN'T ANY LUBE IT'S AT HOME!! BOTH DISHEARTENED THEY SLUMP INTO THEIR SEATS, THEN PUFF 1 EXCITEDLY SAYS "I KNOW LETS USE THE BUTTER OFF OF THE SANDWHICHES IN THE PICNIC! SO OFF THEY BOTH GO TO THE ONLY WORKING LOO ON THE TRAIN! HOURS PASSED AND THE 2 PUFFS STILL HADN'T COME OUT OF THE LOO AND THERE WAS QUITE A QUEUE FOR THE SHITTER! SO THE PERSON AT THE FRONT OF THE QUEUE SAYS TO THE CONDUCTOR ON THE TRAIN "WE'VE BEEN WAITING 2 HOURS FOR THE CRAPPER CAN YOU OPEN THE DOOR AND SEE WHATS WRONG?" SO THE CONDUCTER OPENS THE DOOR , REALISES WHATS GOING ON AND SLAMS THE DOOR AGAIN, HE EXPLAINS TO THE PERSON AT THE FRONT OF THE QUEUE THAT THERE ARE 2 PUFFS IN THE LOO WITH ONE PUFF BLOWING UP THE OTHERONES ARES SAYING "oOOOOOH! WELL I DIDN'T KNOW THAT THERE WAS MUSTARD ON THEM!!!"
'SMINT INNIT!
| CYBERPRINCE_UK
UK | 2000-05-16 18:42:09
what does D.I.A.N.A stand for?....
.....Died In A Nasty Accident!
Did you know that Princess Diana was on the radio before she died?.......
........and the dashboard and the windscreen!!
nasty I know (god rest her soul) but nonetheless fucking funny!!!!!
| Spencer
Coventry, England | 2000-05-16 12:48:27
A man with a speach impediment, was walking down the street,
and he sees an old friend.
he says(You have to talk through your nose for this) "Hi steve!
how are ya?"
and he replys" I am fine how are you?"
And the first man says " Hey how come your not talking like me any more?"
"Ar!" Steve says, " I know this doctor, he's fucking brilliant!"
Yeah! Do you think he can help me? I wanna talk normal like you!"
Yeah no worries he'll do it" says steve.
at this point the other guy is really excited.
"What have I got to do? What have I got to do?, tell me! tell me!"
"Well heres the doctors name and where he is, just give him ?20 and he'll do the rest."
"Cheers steve!" says the other guy.
So he get down to the docs as fast as jhe can, gives the door a good banging,
and says "Doc you have helped my friend talk normal, can you now help me?"
yeah says the doc,
"what I gotta do?" says the man
"Well the treatment is ?20"
"Yeah Yeah and..."
"And what i do is pour tea down the hole of your arse, and eventualy
you'll talk fine!"
"Great come on do it, do it!"
"Just remember, if you feel funny, tell me to stop!" says the doc,
so the man bends over and the doc starts to pour this tea down the hole of his arse,
""Stop! Stop!" shouts the man.
"What's the matter? too Hot Too cold?"
"NO!..You aint put no sugar in it!"
Hope you like it!! And that Aint a chubby Joke!
| PETER!
england | 2000-05-15 13:08:48
3 woman stranded on a desert island.
one woman find a magic lamp,
they all agree to have on wish each,
so the first woman makes her wish,
she wishes that she was really clever so that she could think of a way to get of the island,
she gets her wish and she thinks,
she then decides that she will swim of the island,
the other woman gets her wish,
she wishes that she was even more inteligent than the other woman,
she gets her wish and wishes that she was twice as smart as the woman before,
she gets her wish and builds a boat and rows of the island,
the other woman wishes that she was three times as smart as the other woman,
so she turns into a man and uses the bridge!!!
| peter!
england | 2000-05-15 13:00:24
whats the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
YOU CAN UNSCREW A LIGHT BULB! TADA!
| DANIEL
ENGLAND | 2000-05-14 11:58:35
A woman walks into a bakers,and says ''can I have 6 crustless tarts please and can I have 12 bread buns please and can I have a brown loaf and a white loaf please'',chap behind the counter says,''err,you celebrating'',
''yeah its me birthday on saturday,you'll never guess how old I am''Lady replies,
the man says ''well its not right to ask a lady her age is it,go on 35''
''nooooooo,im 40'' lady says,
''well you dont look it''replies the man,
''taaaaaaaarrr'' says the lady.
She goes into the fruit shop,and says ''have you got avacado purse,cuz im gonna do prawns and avacados,and can I have some apples and some oranges,
chap behind the counter says ''you celebrating duck''
''yep its me birthday on saturday,youll never guess how old I am''replies the lady,
the man says ''32'',
''noooooooo,im 40''she replies,
''well you dont look it'' says the man,
''taaaaaaaaaarrrr'',
Then the lady goes in to the butchers,''can I have a big piece of pork please and can you leave the crisping on cu im gonna do some sandwiches and can I have some ham and some corned beef''
''err you celebrating''says the man
''yeah,s'me birthday on saturday,youll never guess how old I am'' replies the woman,
chap says, ''come round the counter'',took her tits out,sucked em,bounced em on his hand,then opened her draws,fingered her,sniffed his fingers,''youre 40'' he said,
amazed,the woman said ''how did you know'',
chap said ''I was stud behind you in the fucking cake shop''
| Brian A Newton
UK | 2000-05-12 19:44:49
WHATS THE CONNECTION BETWEEN A LOBSTER THERMIDOR AND A BLOW JOB?
ONCE MARRIED YOU DONT GET EITHER AT HOME
| BRIAN NEWTON
UK | 2000-05-12 19:40:44
WHAT GOES KLINK KLINK BANG?
JILL DANDO PUTTING THE MILK OUT
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