[ << ] [ < ] 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 [ > ] [ >> ] (Displaying jokes 81-100 from a total of 15,288 jokes) | Author | Joke | Glump
Sco | 2010-07-07 13:45:02
Went to the cemetery the other day and saw 4 men carrying a coffin, 3 hours later saw the same 4 men with the same coffin.
Thought to myself, they’ve lost the fuckin plot . . . . .
| Dr Fettish
UK | 2010-07-07 13:32:44
See what I mean,\'BELOW\' | RONNIE
yorkshire | 2010-07-07 13:12:03
A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her hand bag and
tries to write with it.
When she realises her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted bank clerk and without
missing a beat, she says, Well, that\'s great.... That\'s just great.... Some arsehole\'s got my pen! | Dr Fettish
UK | 2010-07-07 12:44:45
RONNIE YORKSHIRE, Ruben Scotland, Glump Sco, Jonathon Wales, JACKFROST, Same Feckin Person.....Topped with shit Jokes | Ruben
Scotland | 2010-07-05 14:49:15
There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman \"in what position was the baby conceived?\"
\"He was on top \", she replied.
\"You will have a boy!\" the doctor exclaimed.
The second woman was asked the same question.
\"I was on top \", was the reply.
\"you will have a baby girl. \" said the doctor.
With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears. \"What\'s the matter?\" asked the doc.
\"Am I going to have puppies?”.....
| StuiE
UK | 2010-07-04 20:14:12
shot gun shells £30, shot gun £250, shooting your ex girlfriend and her new boyfriend, fucking priceless, money cant buy happiness, for everything else theres mental violence | Jonathon
Wales | 2010-07-02 21:41:42
This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settled down, the man (not quite ready for slumber) leans over and whispers softly, \"Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn\'t quite ready for bye-byes yet.\"
The wife takes the hint and says, \"OK, but I have to use the bathroom first.\" So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face.
Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone \"Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?\"
No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.
Her husband looks over and grunts \"Clumsy bitch.\"
| gimp
Sco | 2010-07-02 17:50:51
Top TIP Public Toilet users when you realise the person in the next cubicle is holding fire until you leave simply open and close the Toilet door without leaving Their first Plop can be Greeted with a Huge Cheer.... | Glump
Sco | 2010-07-02 16:51:52
A Lawyer dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter. “Hello mate” says St. Peter, “I’m sorry, no Lawyers in heaven.” “What?” exclaims the man, astonished. “You heard\", He said, \"No Lawyers.”
“But, but, but, I’ve been a good man”, replies the Lawyer. “Oh really”, says St. Peter. “What have you done, then ?” “Well” said the guy, “Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 quid to the starving children in Africa”.
“Oh” says St.Peter. “anything else?” “Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 quid to the homeless.” “Hmmm. Anything else?” “Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans.”
“Okay”, said St. Peter, “You wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss.” Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.
He looks the bloke in the eye and says, “I’ve had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here’s your thirty quid back, now fuck off”
| gimp
Sco | 2010-07-02 12:55:30
after weeks of the wife nagging me to buy her a new pair of shoes Ive finally managed to shut the cunt up. They were Concrete ones..... | RONNIE
yorkshire | 2010-07-02 12:51:37
The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, “Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!”
“Son, I’m a priest. Your language is uncalled for!”
“No, Father, that’s what kind of fish it is – a Son of a Bitch fish!”
“Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!”
Once in the boat, they marvelled at the size of the monster.
“Father, that’s the biggest Son of a Bitch I’ve ever seen”
“Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch.. What should I do with it?”
“Why, eat it! Of course. You’ve never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!”
Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear & his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.
“Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!”
Sister Mary gasped & clutched her rosary, “Father!”
“It’s OK, Sister. That’s what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!”
“Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?”
Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.
“I’ll even clean the Son of a Bitch,” she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
“What are you doing Sister?”
“Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop’s Dinner”
“Sister! I’ll clean it if you’re so upset! Please watch your language!”
“No, no, no, it’s called a Son of a Bitch Fish.”
“Really? Well, in that case, I’ll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you’ve finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.”
On the night of the new Bishop’s visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.
The new Bishop said, “This is great fish, where did you get it?”
“I caught that Son of a Bitch!” proclaimed the proud priest.
“And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!” exclaimed the Sister.
The Friar added,” And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe! The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept across his face as he said, “You fuckers are my kind of people.”
| RONNIE
yorkshire | 2010-07-02 11:02:41
An Englishman, Irishman and a Scottish are stranded in the middle of the desert. Tired and hungry, they stumble upon a gold lamp. The English man picks it up, and rubs it down. To their shock, a purple mist appears from the nossle and a Genie appears before them.
\"At last, after 200 years I am finally free!\" The Genie exclaims. \"For releasing me from my prison, I will grant you each a wish. However, you will remain in a locked cell for 50 years with this wish.\"
Out of nowhere, 3 cells appear in the desert.
The Geneie asks the Englishman: \"What is your wish?\"
\"I want a gorgeous lady with big tits!\" He remarks.
\"Very well.\" The Genie replies. With a clap of his hands, a stunning blonde appears in the first cell. The English man rushes in without a second thought. The Genie closes the cell door and locks it.
He asks the Scottish man:
\"I want 50 years supply of wiskey!\" Again, the genie claps his hands and stacks of wiskey appear in the second cell. The Scottish man is locked in the cell.
The Genie asks the Irish man:
\"I want 50 years supply of cigarettes!\" The cigarettes appear in the cell and the Irish man is then locked in.
50 years pass and the Genie returns to the cells. He opens the door to the English man’s cell. The room is full with babies and children. The English man, lying down with the beautiful woman, smiles at the Genie and thanks him for the 50 years.
The Genie goes to the Scottish man’s cell. The Scottish man is on the floor - mindlessly drunk with wiskey and obviously near death asfter 50 years of hard drinking.
The Genie opens the door to the Irish man’s cell. The Irish jumps up from the floor and says: \"Have you got a light?\"
| gimp
Sco | 2010-07-02 03:33:19
women should be like golf caddies either holding your balls or getting the fucking Tee ready... | Glump
Sco | 2010-07-01 20:49:27
A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, \"What is it without touching it?\" The blind man replies, \"Thats a good piece of fir.\" \"Correct, says the manager, now try this one.\" \"Thats a bad piece of willow,\" says the blind man. \"Correct,\" answers the manager.
With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. \"I\'m confused, says the blind man, Can you turn it around?\" The secretary turns around and puts her arse in his face. The blind man says, \"Oh, youre trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. Its the shit house door off a tuna boat!\"
| Jonathon
Wales | 2010-07-01 18:40:54
This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her awhile then says, \"You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?\"
She says, \"I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old.\" She starts laughing and jumping again.
He says, \"Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old arse?\"
She says, \"Well,funnily enough your name never came up.\"
| gimp
Sco | 2010-07-01 14:29:24
Congratulation to my wife. I am very proud of her as she has finally stopped smoking today. The Crematorium have Informed me that her Ashes will be available for collection next Monday..... | Jonathon
Wales | 2010-07-01 13:58:57
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had had. He said, \"Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you\'re not there.\" The she asked, \"Did you dance much?\"
He replied, \"I\'ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I\'ll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!\"
| gimp
Sco | 2010-07-01 04:27:58
my grandad was half Irish, half Chinese. His name was Pat Noodle... | Glump
Sco | 2010-06-30 17:23:23
The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, \"Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?\"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said \"I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a BMW.\" The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.
Little Susie said, \"I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche.\" The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.
Little Johnny stood up and said, \"I would want silicone.\" The teacher said, \"Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?\" \"Because my mum has two bags of the stuff and you should
see all the sports cars outside our house!\"
| Glump
Sco | 2010-06-30 17:15:38
This lady is having a bed wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room. When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed.
The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her. He tells her that she needs to stop drinking before she goes to bed. The lady asks the doctor why he had to get her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head. He replies, \"I wanted to see how I would look with a beard.\"
|
[ << ] [ < ] 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 [ > ] [ >> ] (Displaying jokes 81-100 from a total of 15,288 jokes)
|
